Day 363

Here we are. December 29th, 2017. The awkward few days in between Christmas and New Year’s, when we don’t know what we’re supposed to be doing or who we’re supposed to be. Rick and I have seen Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi together once, and I’ve seen it a second time by myself (it’s just too damn good), our household is germy and sniffly and mucousy, we had a good Christmas with his family, and I’ve had to stay late at work more times than I care to count in the last week. Where do you think I’m writing this right now? But hey, I need the overtime.

It amazes me that 2017 is almost over. I honestly feel like I blinked once in January and a whole 363 days passed. I still can’t believe how big River and Lydia have gotten – they gained a whole 15lbs and 13 inches each since their tiny birth weights of 2lb 12oz and 2lbs 4oz. They’re crawling, actively moving around, becoming little people right in front of our terrified and proud eyes. Don’t ask how babyproofing is going. We’re doing our best.

It’s safe to say that this has been the hardest year of my life, and I’ll bet the same goes for Rick. Juggling the “two babies” factor (the shock of a 12-week-early delivery, their almost 2-month stay in the NICU, my third trimester and postpartum hormones combined with Bipolar Disorder and a lingering case of postpartum depression, and then learning to be parents with little help in the beginning), balancing work and child care, working on keeping our marriage alive, personal wants and needs, and inner growth have definitely kicked my little ass. It wasn’t all bad – our twin daughters definitely made it worth it – but it was full of struggles and learning experiences.

I learned that things will not go as planned 90% of the time, and that I must use my brain before feelings. I learned that people change, for better or worse, but aren’t beyond talking and working things out. I learned that being a parent is much more than just a title and looking cute with your kids, it’s a whole new kind of life with its own ups and downs. I learned that nobody has a perfect life, even if it’s plastered all over social media that it is. I learned that sometimes you just have to listen to your wedding dance song and remember what got you together and where you are now. I learned that I am a mean asshole in the middle of the night and it’s something that I am urgently working on, even if it’s taken some time to see any progress. But I also learned that I am a little too nice at times, and I need to make sure I know my own worth and what I deserve from others, as I always try to do right by everyone else. I realized that if I don’t take care of myself and make sure I’m ok, nobody else will, and I need to be my best in order to give my best to River and Lydia.

I’m also insanely grateful for this year and my experiences during it. I don’t think I’d ever think to sit down and openly write about my life and all the baggage that comes with it if it hadn’t happened the way it did. It’s strange to think that in only a few months I’ve acquired a not-so-small and caring following with my random and sometimes informative venting and have actually gotten a few publications in two very different realms of social media. Thank you all so much for sitting there and ciphering through my bad attempts at humor, random thoughts, and honest play-by-play of my life. I feel I need to thank River and Lydia the most – after all, this blog was born through their existence. I’ll have to explain that in a few years when they ask me what I’m always writing about. That should be fun.

I’m taking all my learned lessons into 2018 and I’m putting it all to practice. No, this isn’t the “new year, new me” bullshit. I only do that with weight loss and workout goals. This is about myself and inner growth, things that are actually important in life and need to be adjusted. Not that fitness isn’t important, I just don’t have time for that yet.

So, here’s to a new year full of love, kisses, and hugs, more pictures and videos, more blog entries, more writing gigs and published articles with A Blog of Thrones and Twiniversity, less sad and angry tears and more happy ones, less stress, and more improvement. I’m still only a baby, it’s time I grow… into a toddler adult.

Yep, a toddler-adult. I’m making that a thing.

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